I have come to realize that I am not here to save anyone or anything. I am not here to warn, fix, control. I am not here to tell you what you don’t know so that you will be safe. I am not here to study what I don’t know to make sure that I am safe. These are all well-meaning constructions of the egoic mind. It seeks to protect self and other so that it can keep this body safe and alive. Its identity is intrinsically tied to the body. This has served a very important purpose for the human soul. For the Infinite Soul knows that it is eternal, limitless and creates all that it lives. The Soul chooses this limited, material world and the mind of the ego that perceives from within the illusion of finite reality. It wanted to experience this reality and to evolve and expand consciousness through the means of this illusion of separation and limitation.
Yet there comes a time when the awareness of our infinite nature serves us more. I am in this place now. I choose to remember. I choose to unshackle my mind and body from the limited perception of what it means to be human. I choose to live what I know as a Soul. So as I witness the dysfunction and corruption that emerges from this separation-consciousness I will no longer allow myself to get caught up in the illusion. I will not become engulfed and distracted by the story of suffering and pain. It is compelling indeed. Just look how we partake in the horror stories in both our movies and the news.
I choose to bring my attention to the Beauty that lives at the core of ALL; all conditions, all things, all people. No matter how horrible it may look from the ‘reality’ we perceive, I will not consent to the story it paints. I will remember the Truth that is buried within this material world: We are All One; We are infinite beings of Love and Light; All that shows up in the world of form that we encounter is an opportunity for our Infinite Soul to evolve; at this Soul level, we have chosen all that shows up in our lives; Love is all there is. The greatest act of Love is to remember this Truth and to live as though this is our moment to moment knowing.
I know this. Every cell in my body rejoices as I remember this and write it here. Yet I still become distracted in the ‘reality’ that is playing out before me: the suffering, the corruption, the ignorance. I become terrified and from that state of being I seek control and a desperate need arises to fix the problems I see play out around me. I become blinded by the illusion and lose sight of the invisible reality that vibrates at the core of all life: the infinite essence and source of all life.
Those of us who are able to live and speak from the Infinite perspective of reality will be called all kinds of derogatory names: heretic, witch, dreamer, unrealistic, eccentric, quack, kook, dissident, dangerous, conspiratorial. We may lose our credibility or respect from our communities for seeing, knowing and giving value and attention to something that cannot be seen, that is not proven or tangible. Yet all of life is created from the formless, infinite dimension.
I choose to withdraw my consent from all forms of reality that do not honor Love. I withdraw my consent from all energies, entities, systems, conditions, things, from all time and space, known and unknown, that do not serve Love. I reclaim my sovereign power as a creative being of Light and Love. I reclaim my power to create reality instead of regurgitating the reality that I observe and unknowingly have consented to.
My Inner Guidance has been persistently encouraging me to remove my attention from those things that do not serve what I desire to experience or see empowered in my life and in the world, and to bring my attention to what I desire to create. It is important to realize that what we hold our attention on we give power to. We unwittingly empower the very things we rail against.
These past couple years of the Covid trauma/drama have been a rude awakening for me at a whole new level. So much of the corruption and deception and dysfunction within our systems and psyche was revealed to me in ways that felt more real and close up than ever before. I was revealed not just to this in the outer world but more importantly to the inner dysfunction that lived in me. I became more aware of the ways in which the myth of separation lived in me, and how I was contributing to this consciousness.
I have been committed to this inner awareness, painstakingly retrieving the parts of my soul that have separated from my wholeness as a result of lifetimes of trauma. Each time I reclaim a part of myself that I left behind and integrate this orphaned aspect of my being, I heal more deeply. I regain more of my energy, my power and my compassion grows.
I became aware of the belief structures within me that judged and othered and stigmatized. While dismantling these beliefs felt disorienting, I also felt a spaciousness emerge. The possibility of new realities were revealed, as I let go of the remnants of inherited beliefs that still hung on by a thread. The egoic need for the familiar and the ties to the past it honored kept me stuck and in some ways still do. But that stubborn thread is getting worn and the promise of a better way for all of us, including the ego that simply seeks safety and comfort, dawns on the horizon.
Yet, we still are in the midst of a grand global deconstruction of eons of consciousness. While I cannot control what happens outside of me, at least not from outside of me, I can transform from within. I can change my own consciousness by being willing to dismantle the many stories of separation that have infiltrated my mind as the truth. I can empower the reality that I want to see emerge from the ashes by seeing the beauty within all situations, people, things, energies and entities, especially when it is hard to see. I can shine the light on those buried treasures and be a revealer of Beauty which really is a more descriptive word for Love. For when Love is truly felt and known then we encounter the Beauty that is always there waiting to be seen and acknowledged.
I am making a public declaration of who I am and what my choices have been as a result. Sometimes this is simple and easy to do, especially when it goes along with the acceptable societal narrative of what is right and wrong. In the history of humanity this code of ethics has changed and evolved, thank God. Each time that we, as a collective, face a new consideration as to what we deem acceptable, a crescendo of resistance arises. The status quo pushes up against the pioneering ethics that offer a new way of believing, being, expressing in the world. The status quo hangs on for dear life to its identity, like the little self, the ego, that has come to believe that this is the way of safety and righteousness.
There has been a litany of previously unacceptables that have been transformed. To the generation born into the new perception of ethical values, the old dogma seems barbaric. And yet as the older generations still inhabit the earth so do their archaic beliefs that cling to a dying truth. How can we transform ourselves with the tides of evolution— the unstoppable wave of ‘progress’? We begin with our own personal inquiry. We ask ourselves to dive deep enough to know what is true for us, beyond time and space and popular opinion. We seek our integrity that supersedes the collective ethics and yet adds to its evolving expression of what is now acceptable to the whole.
We are in a portal of transformation right now. We are being asked to assess who we are, what we believe, what serves us and the whole, and what does not. The paradigm of life has been shaken by the crises of the current moment that has been more dramatically exposed than ever before by the saga of Covid. We are reaching the crescendo of this radical shake-up and it is time to choose. What will you choose? How will you move forward? Will you move forward?
My journey began when I was born, just like yours. We can’t help being who we truly are meant to be, even when life seems to be squashing our natural attempts. Life actually is offering us the sharp edge that hones the tool of evolution. With each encounter with this razor-sharp edge, we define more clearly the desires of our true self-expression. Sometimes this journey takes us on a windy and wild ride into some very dark and lonely places. For the Soul, this is part of the process of alchemy that It has come to experience.
I regress. Back to my journey that led me to this moment of ‘coming out’. When I was 4 or 5 my father wrote about his observations of my ‘independent spirit’, calling me ‘non-conforming Beki’. I read this in some old Christmas letters my dad had written when they were unearthed while my dad was on his death-bed the summer of 2018. It was illuminating and comforting to know that he truly saw me, my essential nature, at such a young age.
Another vivid memory I have was when Dad took us to the doctor. I remember jumping around in the back seat of the car joyfully, Dad pulling me out and taking my hand leading me into the office of Dr. Mock. When I realized they wanted to stick me with the needle, I screamed and pleaded, refusing to pull up my sleeve to bare my arm. With a sneaky and quick move, they pulled down my pants and stuck me in the butt. I felt betrayed and dismayed. How could my wonderful father, that I trusted so much, do such a thing.
Fast forward to my teenage self, visiting my family in Canada during the time I was living with my mother in the Bahamas. Dad suggested I go to the doctor for a check-up. I walked the block or so to the doctor’s office and he told me I needed a shot that I was not up-to-date on. I told him I had a fear, no phobia, of needles. By this point I assumed my fear was irrational, considering that vaccination was a common thing that everyone did. He reassured me it would not hurt and quickly stuck me in my left arm. I said to him that it really wasn’t so bad, and then proceeded to slowly slide off the chair beginning to lose consciousness. The doctor took me into the examination room to lie me down and gave me another injection of adrenaline in my…you guessed it…butt. Funny the things we remember. So much of my childhood I have forgotten. But these two ‘scenes’ are clear as day.
Everyone in my family was aware of my phobia. They also were aware of my low threshold for pain. When I became pregnant at 26 with my first son, we all wondered how I would endure childbirth. I hadn’t had a vaccine since that time I almost passed out. I dreaded the part of prenatal care that would entail getting blood drawn and of course the issue of an epidural was a consideration when thinking about the birthing process. I dove into reading and researching the whole process of being pregnant, wanting to do all I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby and birth. Somehow the blood draws felt less invasive than the idea of an injection of some unknown substance into my body. I was surprised I could handle it although I learned that I needed to be lying down to avoid losing consciousness, literally.
In order to determine who would be my OB, I did a lot of research and ended up deciding on a practice of nurse-midwives. My first appointment to interview the prospective health care practitioner included me asking at least 30 questions to determine if they would fit my criteria! During my pregnancy, I went to a pediatrician to interview her, although I really did not know what I was looking for. I remember reading some forms that I was to sign that would give my consent to vaccinate my newborn. Perhaps most people just sign the forms and do not read the fine print, but after reading the litany of side effects, including brain damage and death, I could not sign it. I figured I would revisit it later and discuss it with my husband. Surely if everyone did this, it must be safe.
It turned out that the woman who taught our childbirth classes was a home-birth midwife and so during these classes, I was exposed to different ways of giving birth, including home birth. This seemed like such a wonderful option, and yet I figured that the responsible thing to do was to at least have my first child in a hospital, even though hospitals were a place I never was comfortable in. When my husband and I went to visit the hospital that I would give birth in, we walked out and I looked over to him and told him that I simply could not do it in there. He sighed and said, ‘Oh Beki, don’t do this to me.’ Remembering that always make me smile. He knew me so well. This realization was not an easy one for either of us to swallow. But in the deepest part of me, I knew this was not the safest place for me to give birth. I knew that in order for me to have the birth I wanted I needed to feel safe.
So, I dove into a whole new process of researching home-birth. I interviewed people that I knew in the community that had chosen this approach. I read statistics and accounts. I gathered the people I wanted to be present at my birth and led an exercise to release our own birth trauma so that no one would bring any unresolved energy into the space during my birthing process. Talking about non-conforming! And this story is just one branch of a very large tree of a life lived outside of the box.
The birth was fast and so beautiful. If I had had to get to the hospital it would have been a very close call. I valiantly breathed, grunted, and screamed through the two hours or so of labor with an amazing team of support holding space for the sacred event to occur. This act of birthing without drugs to numb the pain has been done each moment in all of human history by countless women. Even though I hated pain, something in me knew I could do this. It was the most physically challenging thing my body has ever endured and I felt empowered to know what I was capable of.
As I was healing from the birth we figured we should whisk our beautiful, perfect baby off to the pediatrician. While home-birth was an anomaly, it did not occur to me that we would not go along with the typical medical protocol of well-baby visits. Sherman dressed and bundled up our newborn and took him to his first doctor’s appointment, as I waited at home. When he came home, Sherman’s face was wet with tears. My heart jumped into my throat. What’s wrong?! I exclaimed. He said that the pediatrician was very condescending about our reckless choice to have a home-birth and wanted to admit our son into the hospital because she felt he looked jaundice and was suspicious of some little blisters on the roof of his mouth.
I called our midwife hysterical. She came right over, looked over our baby, and told us he was perfectly healthy. The blisters were from his ravenous nursing that also left painful blisters on my nipples. She also said that his skin color was not unusual for a black baby. She reassured us, but still set up two appointments with other healthcare practitioners who were ‘home-birth-friendly’. A new branch formed on my tree of life, informing a whole new trajectory as to how to tend to the health of my children. We took baby Chaz to his first chiropractic appointment and he got a gentle loving adjustment from Dr. Peter who became our holistic family healthcare provider for the next 25 years. We went to a different pediatrician that treated us all with respect and kindness and reassured us that our son was fine.
I am grateful for this nudge in another direction. I trust in life’s contractions. For this is truly the life force that informs the right and perfect path for each individual. As a result of this redirection, I was brought into a community that took a more holistic approach to health. While I pretty much preferred holistic and alternative approaches versus allopathic methods, I simply had not needed to go to a doctor much in my 26 years of life so I did not know much about my options. When the issue of vaccination came back up and rather than simply going along with the mainstream adherence to the childhood vaccines, I was exposed to a community that offered an alternative perspective on the history, safety, and efficacy of this medical intervention. I was given books and research papers to review so I could make an informed decision. In 1993, when I gave birth to my first son, there was no internet to do research and so finding information that went against the mainstream was not so easily available.
After much consideration, we decided to not vaccinate, with an open mind to consider changing our decision if new information convinced us it was safe and necessary. We also decided not to circumcise our three sons. I left this decision to my husband who read the book I offered him, and he came to this clear decision on his own. I was relieved. I often have thought that I was guided on this path because I might have had one of the children that would have been a casualty of vaccine injury. I did not feel the need to warn anyone else but trusted that they would be led by their personal divine guidance to the journey that their Soul yearned to experience.
I share this journey with you as I come ‘out of the closet’ to disclose to a critical public, my choice not to vaccinate my children then and now not to vaccinate myself, because I wanted to illustrate the intricate nature of each person’s choices. To truly have integrity I feel it is critical that I follow my inner knowing regardless of popular opinion —whether it be that you follow the impulse to love someone who is not considered appropriate to the society you live in or to express as a gender that is not the one you were born in, or to reject a tradition or ritual within your culture that does not resonate with your own inner knowing of what is right for you. My inner knowing is my path to being, expressing, and experiencing my True Self.
I married a man at a young age that I am still with after 35 years, which seems like a pretty traditional choice. But that is not why I chose this lifestyle. It is because it resonated with me and my inner guidance kept me on this path. It is easier to be a heterosexual, monogamous woman than the many alternatives. Yet many of my choices have not been so easy, or mainstream. What is important is not what you choose, it is that you choose what resonates with your deepest values. It is critical that we do not go against ourselves. This is the source of our suffering, or malaise, or disconnection. No one but you knows what is right for you. No one!
Yet, we live in a society that trains us out of our own inner knowing. It trains us to rely on an outside authority to tell us what to do to be safe, healthy, go to heaven, have enough, be accepted, loved, and lovable. We did not come here to be the same as anyone else. We came to express and experience our own unique self. We came to create not observe or adhere to a reality already created by others. We came to experience what it is to be both human and divine.
Each Soul is doing this in their own way. It is not my business to inform you of how to walk your life path and which branches you will sprout out into. Only you can sense into that guidance that will allow you to realize the life you came to live. So as we sit in the portal of collective and individual transformation, be mindful to tend to your own sacred womb of creation, even as you sense the Infinite Womb of life that holds us All. Listen carefully with your heart, your mind, and body for the impulses that awaken the spirit of love and light in you. When you feel this spark and sense the light at the end of the birth canal, even with closed eyes, move in that direction. Move towards your light, and you will enter the path that brings you to the ocean of Love where we will all meet in harmony and Oneness.
Yet know this, the path will not be the same or even similar to others. This is how it must be. For just as my winding path brought me to the knowing that informed my choice to not vaccinate myself or the children that came through my body, you have your own unique journey. I will not judge you for the choices that you hold that do not resonate with mine, even if I believe they threaten my way of life. For this too is the way of LIfe.
My spiritual practice is not to be against anything, but to open to that which I desire to see and experience in my life and in the world. So, while I am choosing not to receive these injections, it is my intention to be no more against vaccines than I am against the viruses that circulate our planet and live in our bodies. What I am for is health, wellbeing, wholeness. I am for choice, freedom and self-empowerment. I am for connection, intimacy, love. I am for clean air, soil and water. I am for peace and harmony in our relationships with each other and with our beloved planet. I am for expanded consciousness, evolution and awakening to our soulful essence that knows we are unlimited, infinite, eternal and free regardless of the conditions we encounter in form.
Energy goes where our attention flows, and energy creates all matter. Therefore what we give our attention to matters. As we witness a massive upheaval of the life we have come to expect, we are each facing many choices on how to proceed, and what really matters to us.
So, let us consider this. May we allow the choices of others to unfold without resistance. As you follow your inner light and honor others to follow theirs, I trust in the evolution of the Infinite Soul of Life to hold us all within this massive, endless, infinite womb of creation. I choose above all else to remember that I am free, that I am Infinite Love and that I am always at cause and choice of the life that unfolds before me. I choose unity consciousness, beauty, and wholeness. I choose to sense this part of you that chooses this too and ride the celestial waves of possibility and creativity in the vastness of the unified field with you, my beloved soul family, my beloved humanity.
Unleash the healing power within! In order to do this, first, you have to acknowledge and remember who you truly are. You must remember that you are indeed powerful. That you are an unlimited, eternal, infinite being. You must not only remember but feel the truth of this in every cell of your body. There is a deafening noise ‘out’ there right now that is constantly telling you that you are limited, finite, mortal. It is compelling to be swept away by the drama of this story. It is blinding us from being able to see the Truth. As our physical senses are bombarded with the disempowering story, we must move away from the physical and turn inward to the vast, dark, inner territory where our true power lies.
We must turn down the volume on the outside world, close the shades to the blaring lights that spotlight the fear, pestilence, violence, disharmony. We must cultivate a new perception so that we can create a new possibility. The mirage has distorted our vision so much that we cannot see that the monster in front of us is really an angel. We flail and scream, fight and flee within this place that has become a hell, while all along we have never left the Garden of Eden.
We have come to believe that this body is simply flesh, bone, and blood, separate from the Source that made it. We have been made to believe that spirit and matter are separate. Yet the truth is that this body is ENERGY and energy is consciousness. The expression of matter is intrinsically connected to the consciousness that Creates. The story of separation is so deeply entrenched in our cultural story that we are swimming in Love and don’t even know it. We are the Love we swim in.
Yet, so many of us have come to believe that we are unlovable, fragile beings scrambling to survive in a world filled with threats. The threats are ubiquitous. Now with the pandemic, many of us are even afraid of the bodies of those we love most — those who have loved us the most. Our own bodies are a threat to ourselves and others. We are more steeped in this illusion of separation than ever before as the source of the love we perceived as outside of us is now a threat in and of itself.
Yet, could it be that this is what we needed to push us to the brink of our sanity — a sanity that is predicated on an insane worldview? Could this be the moment in history when the illusion comes tumbling down and we wake up from this nightmare? Surely we have come to this brink before. Many, many times in history there have been collective crises. Do we keep reaching this threshold of humanity’s redemption and then slip back into the abyss of amnesia? Will we cross the threshold this time and re-member.
Our wholeness depends on our re-membering who we truly are. We are magnificent beings expressed as body, mind, soul. We are indeed eternal, unlimited, and free. We are choosing to be here in this dimension of form, in a world where we have forgotten our brilliance. We signed on for this adventure. Everything is Energy vibrating with its own unique frequencies projecting these tangible holograms of unfathomable beauty and untenable horror. All of it emerges from the same Source of consciousness that, at its essence, is Love. Love is not limited to expressions of rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. Love is deep and wild and adventurous. Love is fearless and yearns to know Itself in every possible way. Love loves ALL experience.
How can we reunite with this Love that is our very essence? For to reunite is to re-member. It is to tap into this infinite Self that is fearless and free. What is needed is a colossal shift of perception. Before we can see the garden of Eden that we are immersed in, we must step out of the illusion and embrace the truth of who we are. We must see that which is invisible, listen for the soundless whispers of our own Divine Self. We must follow the guidance that comes from this quiet, still, darkness and feels like LOVE seeping into every corner of our being. This is the voice to follow, even when it may sound insane to the world of form that we have been entrained to believe in.
Believe in Beauty. Believe in Love, possibility. Do not believe what you can see with your eyes. Believe in the vision you hold in your heart and trust that as you do that this becomes the energy that creates the world. Stop believing in your limitations but remember that you have chosen them, at a soul level.
So even your limitations are not a limitation. They are tools for experience, evolution, and transformation. Yet, in our fearless zeal, we dove deep into this mirage of limitation and many of us have forgotten that we chose this. The longer we have forgotten the more believable this world of form has become. We have come to believe the lie, that we are separate from Life, from Love, from the earth, and from each other. We actually believe that we must protect ourselves from the many diverse manifestations of the One consciousness. This belief system is simply no longer sustainable. A profound powerlessness has seeped into the consciousness of all humanity. It makes us do the most horrendous and unfathomable things.
Some of us strive for power in ways that crush the masses. Others do it in small and subtle ways that chip away at the self-esteem of another, or their own sense of true power. We do our best to feel powerful in a world that has forgotten what true power is. Power is not derived from some outside identity or relationship with form, but it emerges from the Infinite unlimitedness derived from the unified field that is equally accessible to all. This is the field of unlimited abundance, resources, creativity, beauty, intelligence, wisdom, possibility. It is Infinite! There is no end to what can be inspired and manifested from this powerful Source.
When we remember this truth, that has been known within our ancient spiritual traditions, and now is being revealed within our academic and scientific institutions, we have a new choice to make. Will we continue to be run by the old story of separation, competition, the survival of the fittest. Or, will we embrace the story of Oneness and interconnection —The story that reminds us of our innate power that lies not in the manipulation of form and matter, but requires a deep surrender to the formless field of infinite Love. It requires a radical shift in perception that allows us to see the Beauty especially where it seems most impossible, and to unearth this beauty for all to behold. It requires us to feel into the creativity that burns at the core of our belly and unleash it with wild abandon sharing our own buried beauty for all to behold. It requires seeing the other as one with your very essence, no matter how much you may believe the mirage of their own dysfunction. It requires trusting in the wisdom of your own body — Listening intently to the messages that come from the living beings we call cells that inhabit the body that inhabits the Soul of our Infinite Self.
It requires us to remember that we are SOUL and that the Soul is still within the Body of something beyond our human understanding. We come from the formless and we return to the formless. We are all heirs to the Infinite Universe from which we are birthed. Not one of us is more powerful than the other. It is only our belief in our flawed perceptions, that have been taught to us, that make this ‘true’.
Let us consider believing something new. Will you join me in believing in something kinder, more inclusive, more expansive, more empowering? Are you ready to give up the disempowering story that came before, that may have even defined your identity? Are you ready to give up any story that keeps you in a victim role — or a story that requires victims in your world to feel powerful? Are you ready to design a new cultural story that draws from ancient knowings, sweet messages embedded in all religions and spiritual traditions, but blasts through any message that holds us hostage? Are you ready to embrace the new emerging story reflected in science that tells us we are made of energy, that energy is all there is and all matter emerges from this Infinite Field of energy, that some of us call Spirit, Source, God, the Unified Field? Are you ready to embrace a story that we are not only a part of the energy that surrounds us but the biology expressed in matter is all energy and it is a part of our own biology? We are not only energetically/spiritually interconnected. We are biologically entwined. We cannot separate our body from the biology that is around us. As we tend to the body or soul of another, whether human, animal, plant, or planet, we are tending to the wellbeing of our own body and soul.
While this interconnectedness is intrinsic and real, my well-being and self-expression do not require you to agree with my new story. Just by embracing it myself and turning down the volume on the noise from the story of disempowering isolation I can experience and emanate the power I seek to embody. I do not require you to see the garden of Eden that we are inhabiting for me to relish this unparalleled beauty. I do not require you to change in order for me to become free. On the contrary, it is the awakening, the re-membering, of one of us that inspires the awakening of the whole of us. It is a process and it may take time for the whole to re-member, once again, our power. Yet, each part of the whole can become whole unto itself and this commitment to our own individual wholeness becomes our greatest gift to the collective. For the embodied frequency of this remembering of wholeness is intoxicating and will be too seductive for others not to join the party in the Garden.
So be True to your Inner power. Unleash the wildness of this sweet freedom. When you feel fear seep in, as you get caught up in the old story of limited, finite mortality, close the door, pull the shades, turn off the sound and go within. Envision the new. Listen to the soundless whispers of your soul guiding you to the REAL beyond form. And once you are on solid ground again, and have aligned to the vibration of your own unique frequency, open your door and windows and sing your own wild, wise and beautiful song for all others to hear. In this way, you become a creator of the cultural song we sing and a force of transformation and evolution. Unleash your Power and heal us all!